A Tale of Two Pirates

Published January 23, 2004 |

By: Greykitty & Mountain Angel

Chapter 1

Our story begins with the tale of two pirate brothers. Donald was a very neat person. He was obsessed with taking care of himself and making sure that everything was in perfect order. He hated anything that was dirty. However his brother, Douglas, was the exact opposite; he was a normal pirate.

We enter our story with Donald swabbing the deck, he looks up to find his brother walking across the deck with muddy boots. He jumps up with a start and yells, “Ye scurvy dog!!! If ye do that agin ye’ll be dancin’ with Jack Ketch!”

“Blimey ye Bilge-sucking mamma’s boy! Why be ye always cleanin’? Not natural for a respectable pirate to be cleanin’!”

“Belay that! Yer no respectable pirate so ‘ow would ye know? A respectable pirate would at least comb ‘is ‘air?!? And what are those stringy thingies hangin’ of yer head? If that’s yer hair I’ll be chuckin’ buckets!”

“Ye daft person haven’t ye ever ‘eard of dread locks?”

“‘ave ye ever ‘eard of shampoo?”

“Yer mudder was nuttin’ but a lubber!”

“We had the same mudder you bloody blockhead! You poxed person! Haven’t ye ‘eard of hygiene?”

“I be not poxed! What the heck is hygiene?”

“Never ye mind.”

“Why are ye swabbin’ the bloody deck agin’? We just did it last year! Yer not waxin’ it agin’ are ye? Do ye remember what happened the last time you waxed it? We were out half a crew! I slipped an’ fell on me bum and slid all the way to the hull! I was on crutches for a month!”

“Somebody woke up on the wrong side ‘o the gang plank today.”

“Remember, Dead men tell no tales.”

“Ye need a nap.”

Douglas starts to walk off in a huff and was about to say something, when he slipped on the freshly cleaned floor.

Donald saw it and yelled with a smirk, “Gangwaaaaaaay!”

Chapter 2

We enter chapter two to find the pirate brothers crossing cannons with a merchant ship. While attacking the merchant ship Donald ponders when the last time they swabbed their deck.

He yells over to a crew member, “Oi, when was the last time ye swabbed yer deck matey?”

The crew member responds, “Uh I think about sometime before Christmas about two years ago. Why?”

“Just curious is all.”

He walks over to Douglas, who was slicing someone in half, and says in an important tone, “That ship is DIRTY! I ani’t goin’ over thar! I wouldn’t touch that there ship with a five ‘undred foot pole!”

“Ye daft ninny!” Replied Douglas.”Get yer bum over thar or ye will be a visitin’ old Hobb sooner than ye think!”

“NO I ain’t goin over thar! I hope Hobb’s not too dirty.”

“Get yerself over thar!”

With that Douglas shoved Donald and he slipped on the freshly waxed deck. He tripped on the edge of the ship and fell down to Davey Jones Locker to visit old Hobb forever. The moral (if there is one) of the story is never wax the deck of your ship!

Pirate Lingo!!!! used in this story:

Jack Ketch — The hangman. To dance with Jack Ketch is to hang.
Gangway! – “Get out of my way!”
Dead men tell no tales — Standard pirate excuse for leaving no survivors.
Davy Jones’ locker – The bottom of the sea.
Blimey! – An exclamation of surprise.
Bilge-sucking – A very uncomplimentary adjective.
Belay — Stop that. “Belay that talk!” would mean “Shut up!”
Landlubber or just lubber – A non-sailor.
Matey — A piratical way to address someone in a cheerful, if not necessarily friendly, fashion.
Scurvy – (1) A deficiency disease which often afflicted sailors; it was caused by lack of vitamin C. (2) A derogatory adjective suitable for use in a loud voice, as in “Ye scurvy dogs!”
Swab (verb) — To clean something. Being put to “swabbing the decks” would be a low-level punishment for a disobedient pirate.